I had an Ah-ha moment today. So many times I am trying to control my results. But the results are out of my control. My job is to be strong and resilient in my program. To confidently follow through with the healthy eating and exercise it will take to get results. Then I leave the results to be what they are. If I am doing my part, I will get results. If I am only concentrating on the results, I am not doing what is truly my part.
I am not sure if this makes sense or not but it does to me. I step on the scale some weeks thinking - this will be a 2 pound week. Then it isn't - it is a .5 pound week or a 1 pound week. I am disappointed. Or all week long I look forward to results day as that is the day that matters. What are my results. I am focusing on the area I have the lease control.
I will leave the results up to God and I will concentrate on doing what I can to be the healthiest me.
Thursday, May 21, 2009
Wednesday, May 20, 2009
Life of bees
My husband has many outdoor hobbies and the latest is beekeeping. In the spring he taps trees for maple syrup and now I will have honey to add to my healthy sweetener options. Anyway, the bees are here and they were setting up their hive at our house this week. After a couple of days, several bees were dead on the ground outside the hive. I guess they work really hard collecting pollen and then they die. Thousands are born each day and thousands die. A fact I did not know. The other bees carry the dead ones that die in the hive out.
As I have been working hard the past few weeks, I guess I am glad I am not a bee. I would have been dead by now! I could see my co-workers pulling me out of the office and dropping me in the parking lot. I am just not sure who they would find to replace me as the software trainer!
Anyway... here is a shot of our bees!
As I have been working hard the past few weeks, I guess I am glad I am not a bee. I would have been dead by now! I could see my co-workers pulling me out of the office and dropping me in the parking lot. I am just not sure who they would find to replace me as the software trainer!
Anyway... here is a shot of our bees!
Saturday, May 16, 2009
Climbing Wall/Weekly Weigh In
My son had a 4th grade study/camping trip at a YMCA camp this week. I went along and spent the night Thursday night so I weighed Thursday instead of Friday. And the number was...
168.8
So I am making some progress though not very quick progress! I am hoping to be a pound less next week and just keep at it one pound at a time.
I am considering joining a 12 week weight loss program through our local hospital. It is $65 and includes cooking classes, weekly weigh in's and group support. They have an informational meeting this Wednesday and it starts next Wednesday. For the money it sounds like a really good deal and affordable for me but with my work demands that will not be over for another 3 - 4 weeks, I am not sure it is the best timing. They also have a session that starts the end of June. I believe that may be the best time for me to start. Possibly, I will do some checking online and go to the information meeting in June.
Overall I feel great about where I am. I feel at peace with this process and do not feel rushed to get to a certain weight. My health is becoming more of a priority for me. I just feel that my goals are attainable. The main reason for starting the class as it is a "mind body" approach - not just a diet. In fact they say there is no dieting or counting involved. Just the healthy meal planning. Whenever I get bogged down in counting, it makes me obsessive. If I know I am 100 calories over, I might as well be 1000 over - it is faiure. I just hate that feeling.
While I was at 4th grade camp, I was one of the few parents with the courage to attempt the climbing wall. It was a 40 foot wall and looked way easier than it was! I made it past 1/2 way but at the tricky part of the wall, I got stuck. I realized I need some more upper body strength. I did not have the muscle to make it happen.
Even though I did not make it all the way. I tried and it was a bit scary but did not let that stop me. When else will I get a chance to climb a wall! I can remember when I maybe would have avoided a situation like that due to what others might think of me. I am no longer seeing myself as an overweight person. It is a nice change in thinking.
168.8
So I am making some progress though not very quick progress! I am hoping to be a pound less next week and just keep at it one pound at a time.
I am considering joining a 12 week weight loss program through our local hospital. It is $65 and includes cooking classes, weekly weigh in's and group support. They have an informational meeting this Wednesday and it starts next Wednesday. For the money it sounds like a really good deal and affordable for me but with my work demands that will not be over for another 3 - 4 weeks, I am not sure it is the best timing. They also have a session that starts the end of June. I believe that may be the best time for me to start. Possibly, I will do some checking online and go to the information meeting in June.
Overall I feel great about where I am. I feel at peace with this process and do not feel rushed to get to a certain weight. My health is becoming more of a priority for me. I just feel that my goals are attainable. The main reason for starting the class as it is a "mind body" approach - not just a diet. In fact they say there is no dieting or counting involved. Just the healthy meal planning. Whenever I get bogged down in counting, it makes me obsessive. If I know I am 100 calories over, I might as well be 1000 over - it is faiure. I just hate that feeling.
While I was at 4th grade camp, I was one of the few parents with the courage to attempt the climbing wall. It was a 40 foot wall and looked way easier than it was! I made it past 1/2 way but at the tricky part of the wall, I got stuck. I realized I need some more upper body strength. I did not have the muscle to make it happen.
Even though I did not make it all the way. I tried and it was a bit scary but did not let that stop me. When else will I get a chance to climb a wall! I can remember when I maybe would have avoided a situation like that due to what others might think of me. I am no longer seeing myself as an overweight person. It is a nice change in thinking.
Monday, May 11, 2009
Mother's Day
This Mother's Day was wonderful for me. I was treated very well by the 3 men in my life. I felt very special and very loved. It was a great day for me. I sometimes forget to be thankful for the wonderful blessings in my life as I work on the physical parts of me and wanted to post how much I appreciate my family.
Hope you all enjoyed your Mother's Day or days with your Mother's on Mother's Day.
Hope you all enjoyed your Mother's Day or days with your Mother's on Mother's Day.
Friday, May 8, 2009
Long Week/Good Week
Well it has been another long week but this time a good one. My Mom is in town which means I am trying to juggle this work project -- with time with her -- with time working out -- with time eating well -- with blogging time -- with bible study time -- with little league baseball games -- with well you get the picture
My Mom and I have a special relationship. She struggles with mental health issues and is not your typical Mom. She has been this way all my life. It is hard to describe - she isn't completely off the wall crazy as she is highly medicated. She is manic depressive, bi-polar, anxiety ridden. I have spent years resenting this Mother Daughter relationship but now realize the situation for what it is and my Mother's dependence on her daughters as her only hope in life and I am trying to come through for her.
On a funny note... if you have seen Seinfeld you know they have the "close talker" and the "low talker" characters that Jerry makes fun of. Well my husband has labeled my Mom the "quiet walker". I call her a stalker. She will sneak up behind you while say cutting vegetables at the kitchen counter and stand behind you and you never know she is there. Then when you turn around you run into her nearly stabbing her with a knife you were taking to the kitchen sink. I realize she just wants to be near me but she sure is quiet and sneaky.
As a child, my Mom was anorexic on top of all of her other issues. Then bulimic for awhile. Now she is purely a compulsive eater and laxative abuser. I have seen her go through more Metamucil and prune juice this week than before. I have talked to her but with her mental limitations, you cannot get through. She thinks what she is doing is healthy as she is on a lot of medications which cause constipation and she needs all this stuff. Well-- she overate all week and cannot button her jeans now so all I have heard about for the past 24 hours is how miserable she is.
I am not mentally challenged but I feel like I am looking in the mirror. My Mom eats when she doesn't really want to, eats when not hungry, eats to the point of busting, eats to make herself feel better for overeating only to then feel more sick. It is really quite sad. I have seen myself in her this week and did not like the reflection. This pattern of behavior in our family will stop with me.
I bought a great devotional book at the bookstore this week called Living Well. It is about living a balanced life and it is based on the Christian weight loss plan called First Place 4 Health. The program stresses balance in 4 areas of your life - mental, physical, emotional and spiritual. The devotional book is compiled with submissions by people who successfully completed the program. I really see myself as trying to achieve this balance in my life. I have been lopsided for too long looking at just my weight loss goal as my singular focus.
I wanted to share my first lesson from the book about making wise choices. God offers us life and blessings or death and curses. It is our choice to decide which we want. Just as in my weight loss efforts we have to decide whether to binge and eat something that I know will take me off plan - that is not choosing life for me personally. all too often I make the choice to not bless myself with following through on what I intend to do. I have used this lesson the past few days to walk away from food and it has helped. I now am starting to feel blessed and it feels good.
Have a wedding in Michigan this weekend so may not get to post. Hope you all enjoy your weekends and hope you have good weather in your area.
My Mom and I have a special relationship. She struggles with mental health issues and is not your typical Mom. She has been this way all my life. It is hard to describe - she isn't completely off the wall crazy as she is highly medicated. She is manic depressive, bi-polar, anxiety ridden. I have spent years resenting this Mother Daughter relationship but now realize the situation for what it is and my Mother's dependence on her daughters as her only hope in life and I am trying to come through for her.
On a funny note... if you have seen Seinfeld you know they have the "close talker" and the "low talker" characters that Jerry makes fun of. Well my husband has labeled my Mom the "quiet walker". I call her a stalker. She will sneak up behind you while say cutting vegetables at the kitchen counter and stand behind you and you never know she is there. Then when you turn around you run into her nearly stabbing her with a knife you were taking to the kitchen sink. I realize she just wants to be near me but she sure is quiet and sneaky.
As a child, my Mom was anorexic on top of all of her other issues. Then bulimic for awhile. Now she is purely a compulsive eater and laxative abuser. I have seen her go through more Metamucil and prune juice this week than before. I have talked to her but with her mental limitations, you cannot get through. She thinks what she is doing is healthy as she is on a lot of medications which cause constipation and she needs all this stuff. Well-- she overate all week and cannot button her jeans now so all I have heard about for the past 24 hours is how miserable she is.
I am not mentally challenged but I feel like I am looking in the mirror. My Mom eats when she doesn't really want to, eats when not hungry, eats to the point of busting, eats to make herself feel better for overeating only to then feel more sick. It is really quite sad. I have seen myself in her this week and did not like the reflection. This pattern of behavior in our family will stop with me.
I bought a great devotional book at the bookstore this week called Living Well. It is about living a balanced life and it is based on the Christian weight loss plan called First Place 4 Health. The program stresses balance in 4 areas of your life - mental, physical, emotional and spiritual. The devotional book is compiled with submissions by people who successfully completed the program. I really see myself as trying to achieve this balance in my life. I have been lopsided for too long looking at just my weight loss goal as my singular focus.
I wanted to share my first lesson from the book about making wise choices. God offers us life and blessings or death and curses. It is our choice to decide which we want. Just as in my weight loss efforts we have to decide whether to binge and eat something that I know will take me off plan - that is not choosing life for me personally. all too often I make the choice to not bless myself with following through on what I intend to do. I have used this lesson the past few days to walk away from food and it has helped. I now am starting to feel blessed and it feels good.
Have a wedding in Michigan this weekend so may not get to post. Hope you all enjoy your weekends and hope you have good weather in your area.
Monday, May 4, 2009
First post in awhile.
I have not blogged regularly in 2 weeks and I miss it. I have been overwhelmed at work. I have worked just short of 50 hours each of the past 2 weeks and I do not like it! Last Spring I downsized to part time with the company I have worked for since 1995. I agreed (yes it is my fault) to take on these extra hours for 6 weeks while we are implementing new software.
My thought process in agreeing to this was...
First -- not sure what the economy brings for this company and better to take the hours now and bank the money then to turn them down.
Second -- this software change could mean less work at our local branch and more work at corporate in Nashville which could again affect my job. Make the money while you can sort of thinking.
Third -- If I am the trainer I will understand the system and when the change happens if there is job reduction, I will be the most knowledgeable and therefore hopefully the most valuable.
Lastly -- I was the software trainer the last time we changed software in 1998 and I like to train and the company needed me so I agreed to help.
So self inflicted misery I have but it is short term. I still think it was the right decision for me to agree to the hours but in the meanwhile... I have less time. I am still exercising but that is all I can really give myself credit for. I have not been journaling my food and have not been paying attention to what I have been eating at night.
I also have not weighed in 2 weeks. I need to get on the scale and will this week. My Mom is also here so sure I will have a post about our relationship soon. As she is in town, I will not be working 50 hours this week but more like 25 so I should have more time to post and journal my food when my Mom is not standing over my shoulder watching everything I do. :) - Hint of the post to come!
My thought process in agreeing to this was...
First -- not sure what the economy brings for this company and better to take the hours now and bank the money then to turn them down.
Second -- this software change could mean less work at our local branch and more work at corporate in Nashville which could again affect my job. Make the money while you can sort of thinking.
Third -- If I am the trainer I will understand the system and when the change happens if there is job reduction, I will be the most knowledgeable and therefore hopefully the most valuable.
Lastly -- I was the software trainer the last time we changed software in 1998 and I like to train and the company needed me so I agreed to help.
So self inflicted misery I have but it is short term. I still think it was the right decision for me to agree to the hours but in the meanwhile... I have less time. I am still exercising but that is all I can really give myself credit for. I have not been journaling my food and have not been paying attention to what I have been eating at night.
I also have not weighed in 2 weeks. I need to get on the scale and will this week. My Mom is also here so sure I will have a post about our relationship soon. As she is in town, I will not be working 50 hours this week but more like 25 so I should have more time to post and journal my food when my Mom is not standing over my shoulder watching everything I do. :) - Hint of the post to come!
Monday, April 27, 2009
What a Weekend
For those of you in the midwest. We had a wonderful weekend. Now it was a bit windy around here. But with temps in the higher 70's and lower 80's, I am not going to complain or let that stop me from getting outside.
I got so much done this weekend both outside and inside my house plus 2 runs. A 4 miler on Friday and a 2 miler yesterday as I really did not want to test my knee too much. I made both ok with a 3 walk breaks on the 4 miler. I just wanted to enjoy those temps. Looks like today is the last day as the remainder of the week will be cooler with chance of rain.
I really want to comment on how us Midwesterners come to life when the weather changes. Everyone is happy and outside. I think our emotions all thaw out from the winter temps and we are just glad to be alive. At least that is how I felt. I still follow the no annuals planted until Mother's Day rule. (Got burned by that one with a snow fall once in the 10+ years I have lived here) I did go to the garden center and buy some perennials and looked at trees. I love to garden and work in my yard. Even had asparagus from my garden last night - there is just nothing better than home grown vegetables.
While outside this weekend with a really great attitude as detailed above, I had some time to consider Carol's post on having a vision. I really have to say I do not have one. I went through some of the usual thoughts I would have expected for my vision - seeing myself in a smaller size, being more comfortable in clothes, feeling confident in my appearance, being stronger and fit physically with muscle tone - these area valid vision components but I really kept getting tugged towards more emotional components of my vision. These thoughts kept popping into my head...
Not feeling the pull of junk food to be eaten due to uncomfortable feelings or emotions.
Praying, meditating, stretching, walking, breathing instead of eating.
Believing in my ability to change the eating patterns I adopted as a child.
Seeing myself as a person who can change.
As I was compiling these thoughts, I realized that these are all part of my 155 self vision and part of my current weight vision. I need/want to be all of these things now. This will be part of my change. If I can achieve the above part of my vision, I will be such a healthier eater. I will be thinner too but more importantly a HEALTHIER EATER.
Sometimes weight is all I focus on. What will it take to be thinner. But I don't want to just be thinner. I want to be healthier - not just physically with a smaller number on the scale and Michelle Obama arms but emotionally healthier capable of not reacting to emotions or feelings with overeating.
I feel I am on my way - defining my vision - documenting it on paper and posting it as a reminder - living my vision - seeing the physical and emotional results. I want to live my vision now not just at 155.
I got so much done this weekend both outside and inside my house plus 2 runs. A 4 miler on Friday and a 2 miler yesterday as I really did not want to test my knee too much. I made both ok with a 3 walk breaks on the 4 miler. I just wanted to enjoy those temps. Looks like today is the last day as the remainder of the week will be cooler with chance of rain.
I really want to comment on how us Midwesterners come to life when the weather changes. Everyone is happy and outside. I think our emotions all thaw out from the winter temps and we are just glad to be alive. At least that is how I felt. I still follow the no annuals planted until Mother's Day rule. (Got burned by that one with a snow fall once in the 10+ years I have lived here) I did go to the garden center and buy some perennials and looked at trees. I love to garden and work in my yard. Even had asparagus from my garden last night - there is just nothing better than home grown vegetables.
While outside this weekend with a really great attitude as detailed above, I had some time to consider Carol's post on having a vision. I really have to say I do not have one. I went through some of the usual thoughts I would have expected for my vision - seeing myself in a smaller size, being more comfortable in clothes, feeling confident in my appearance, being stronger and fit physically with muscle tone - these area valid vision components but I really kept getting tugged towards more emotional components of my vision. These thoughts kept popping into my head...
Not feeling the pull of junk food to be eaten due to uncomfortable feelings or emotions.
Praying, meditating, stretching, walking, breathing instead of eating.
Believing in my ability to change the eating patterns I adopted as a child.
Seeing myself as a person who can change.
As I was compiling these thoughts, I realized that these are all part of my 155 self vision and part of my current weight vision. I need/want to be all of these things now. This will be part of my change. If I can achieve the above part of my vision, I will be such a healthier eater. I will be thinner too but more importantly a HEALTHIER EATER.
Sometimes weight is all I focus on. What will it take to be thinner. But I don't want to just be thinner. I want to be healthier - not just physically with a smaller number on the scale and Michelle Obama arms but emotionally healthier capable of not reacting to emotions or feelings with overeating.
I feel I am on my way - defining my vision - documenting it on paper and posting it as a reminder - living my vision - seeing the physical and emotional results. I want to live my vision now not just at 155.
Tuesday, April 21, 2009
Weekly Update
Here is my weekly update. My weight ended up at 169.8. Which is surprising honestly when you look at my where I came in with my goals:
I originally had 5 goals but decided my biggest obstacle is just tracking what I eat. I have a tendency to give up and not get it done. I just need to understand what I am eating so I can start to work on what I need to do to cut back to weight loss level. All those non-tracking days, I am positive I was above 1500 calories.
My only explanation for the loss is I cleaned up my yard for about 8 hours total over the weekend. It was a lot of work Friday and Saturday and even 1 hour in the rain on Sunday. We had ice storms in my area over the winter and their were tens of thousands of limbs down. Big and little. I woke up Saturday after working in my yard 5 hours on Friday and could not bend over and touch my toes. I always wondered what those "dead lift" exercises actually did for your hams and glutes well now I know after picking up stick after stick to put it in my wheelbarrow. I was working on a 2 acre yard so was walking quite a bit to get to my burn pile and pushing that wheel barrow loaded with sticks. I must have burned a few calories off I ate earlier in the week? I am hoping this weight sticks for next week.
I am going to have a really rough week at work. I am working on implementing a new software package and I am working 8 - 4:30 and then going back from 8 - midnight to train the off shift people. I have a couple of worries: exercise time, blogging time and food journal logging time. I will only get about 2.5 house at home with my family due to commute time and still need to help prepare dinner and do homework. I got in exercise yesterday. But will not today. I am hoping to get it in Mon - Wed - Fri then will need to work out Saturday and Sunday this weekend. I am also committed to logging my food which means I will probably not blog much this week. I will be reading the other blogs I follow as everyones posts keep me motivated.
I have a parting thought that I picked up in church this weekend, the verse is
"But we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance, perseverance, character and character, hope.
Funny I never ever have rejoiced in my sufferings but through them is where I do all my personal growth which explains the perseverance brings about character. Not sure if Paul meant weight loss when he wrote this verse in Romans! But I can apply it to that area of my life. Well maybe not weight loss but more the desire to live a different life. To not be burdened with the unhealthy food desires I have. I am committed to continual improvement in this area of my life.
I hope you all have a good week and come closer to meeting your personal goals.
I originally had 5 goals but decided my biggest obstacle is just tracking what I eat. I have a tendency to give up and not get it done. I just need to understand what I am eating so I can start to work on what I need to do to cut back to weight loss level. All those non-tracking days, I am positive I was above 1500 calories.
My only explanation for the loss is I cleaned up my yard for about 8 hours total over the weekend. It was a lot of work Friday and Saturday and even 1 hour in the rain on Sunday. We had ice storms in my area over the winter and their were tens of thousands of limbs down. Big and little. I woke up Saturday after working in my yard 5 hours on Friday and could not bend over and touch my toes. I always wondered what those "dead lift" exercises actually did for your hams and glutes well now I know after picking up stick after stick to put it in my wheelbarrow. I was working on a 2 acre yard so was walking quite a bit to get to my burn pile and pushing that wheel barrow loaded with sticks. I must have burned a few calories off I ate earlier in the week? I am hoping this weight sticks for next week.
I am going to have a really rough week at work. I am working on implementing a new software package and I am working 8 - 4:30 and then going back from 8 - midnight to train the off shift people. I have a couple of worries: exercise time, blogging time and food journal logging time. I will only get about 2.5 house at home with my family due to commute time and still need to help prepare dinner and do homework. I got in exercise yesterday. But will not today. I am hoping to get it in Mon - Wed - Fri then will need to work out Saturday and Sunday this weekend. I am also committed to logging my food which means I will probably not blog much this week. I will be reading the other blogs I follow as everyones posts keep me motivated.
I have a parting thought that I picked up in church this weekend, the verse is
"But we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance, perseverance, character and character, hope.
Funny I never ever have rejoiced in my sufferings but through them is where I do all my personal growth which explains the perseverance brings about character. Not sure if Paul meant weight loss when he wrote this verse in Romans! But I can apply it to that area of my life. Well maybe not weight loss but more the desire to live a different life. To not be burdened with the unhealthy food desires I have. I am committed to continual improvement in this area of my life.
I hope you all have a good week and come closer to meeting your personal goals.
Friday, April 17, 2009
If not now, when?
I posted a few days ago about needing inspirational words to help me turn down tempting comfort foods when the need to eat them and break my healthy eating plan hits me.
Well today I found those words in an article I was reading in Women's Day Magazine. This is really not an exciting magazine that I usually flip through and then pass on to someone else but as I was flipping through today, there was an article titled "Love, again. After a heartbreaking loss, I moved across the country to make a fresh start. What I found there turned my life around". I would not normally read this article but something told me to do it so I started reading about how this lady found love again. Basically both her and her new husband each lost a spouse to cancer. Really a sad story but a few years ago she was faced with leaving NYC and her "old" life - apartment, job, scenery - that she had shared with her first husband who passed away. She knew she needed to leave but was afraid to. So she asked herself "If not now, when"
I did not finish reading the article. I got to that point and I said to myself. "IF NOT NOW, WHEN" The words I have been searching for. Every evening when snack monster reigns on me and I want to overeat, I tell myself "you can start again tomorrow" Those words are replaced with "If not now, when"
I will not get another chance at yesterday or today. This is my only chance. So if I cannot do it today, when will I do it. Tomorrow is today for me going forward and I will do it today.
Well today I found those words in an article I was reading in Women's Day Magazine. This is really not an exciting magazine that I usually flip through and then pass on to someone else but as I was flipping through today, there was an article titled "Love, again. After a heartbreaking loss, I moved across the country to make a fresh start. What I found there turned my life around". I would not normally read this article but something told me to do it so I started reading about how this lady found love again. Basically both her and her new husband each lost a spouse to cancer. Really a sad story but a few years ago she was faced with leaving NYC and her "old" life - apartment, job, scenery - that she had shared with her first husband who passed away. She knew she needed to leave but was afraid to. So she asked herself "If not now, when"
I did not finish reading the article. I got to that point and I said to myself. "IF NOT NOW, WHEN" The words I have been searching for. Every evening when snack monster reigns on me and I want to overeat, I tell myself "you can start again tomorrow" Those words are replaced with "If not now, when"
I will not get another chance at yesterday or today. This is my only chance. So if I cannot do it today, when will I do it. Tomorrow is today for me going forward and I will do it today.
Thursday, April 16, 2009
Just a little better
I am trying to give myself some credit for today. I was a little better. One of my goals which I will start posting next week is to track all of my food. I have a tendency to go into denial mode when I overeat. It is as if I am saying... If I ignore this, it really didn't happen. Except it did, and I didn't count it so I have no idea how much I really ate. Then I have this wonderful excuse for why weigh in day does not go so well. "How did that happen, I didn't lose weight... is that possible" Oh yes Sharon it is when you snack at night or while cooking and do not acknowledge or hold yourself accountable, yes that will happen.
So I know I really need to work on tracking what I eat - all of it. I use Fit Day and it is an easy, handy tool. Monday and Tuesday I blew it and did not track. Wednesday I ended up eating at night but I tracked it all and came in at 2069 calories. Then today I was at 1465 and came in at 8 pm a little hungry. I grabbed a handful of chips and a slice of cheese and then realized I was doing it AGAIN! I came in to my tracker and put it what I had eaten and was at 1690. So that is where I will end this day. At least I caught myself and stopped it.
My Fitness magazine had a good article about mental blocks and how to overcome them. Also another blog I follow had an excellent post on wanting something you know you really do not want but feeling driven to eat it and yet not eating it and then being really sad because you cannot have that food. I thought about how this is a mental block for me to think I can actually not do it when I really want to eat comfort foods. I want to eat them, I am driven to eat them and I regularly do eat them. There is the option to not eat them and tonight when I exercised that option to stop myself, I did feel a little sad as I could not have what I wanted to eat. I came here to post to help with the sad feelings.
An interesting point is I do not feel this way all month. It seems to be strongest right before my period so possibly it is hormone related. I am not sure. I will continue to challenge myself and work through this pattern of behavior which I know is standing between me and my goal.
So I know I really need to work on tracking what I eat - all of it. I use Fit Day and it is an easy, handy tool. Monday and Tuesday I blew it and did not track. Wednesday I ended up eating at night but I tracked it all and came in at 2069 calories. Then today I was at 1465 and came in at 8 pm a little hungry. I grabbed a handful of chips and a slice of cheese and then realized I was doing it AGAIN! I came in to my tracker and put it what I had eaten and was at 1690. So that is where I will end this day. At least I caught myself and stopped it.
My Fitness magazine had a good article about mental blocks and how to overcome them. Also another blog I follow had an excellent post on wanting something you know you really do not want but feeling driven to eat it and yet not eating it and then being really sad because you cannot have that food. I thought about how this is a mental block for me to think I can actually not do it when I really want to eat comfort foods. I want to eat them, I am driven to eat them and I regularly do eat them. There is the option to not eat them and tonight when I exercised that option to stop myself, I did feel a little sad as I could not have what I wanted to eat. I came here to post to help with the sad feelings.
An interesting point is I do not feel this way all month. It seems to be strongest right before my period so possibly it is hormone related. I am not sure. I will continue to challenge myself and work through this pattern of behavior which I know is standing between me and my goal.
Wednesday, April 15, 2009
Am I more important?
I sometimes wonder if I am more important than the temptations that overcome me. Am I worth it and is reaching my goals worth more than the Easter candy sitting on my refrigerator? So far today, I have not given into my kids Easter stash. But... yet... I am thinking about it.
As a person who has been overweight since the age of 14, I have gotten pretty good about not seeing things through. I have wanted to get to a lower weight for years. First, I thought I should be 140. As a 5'9" person, this is really too thin for me to maintain. Then I moved it to 145, then 150 and now 155. Really... I think 150 - 155 is the right range.
So as my weigh in yesterday was 171.8 - up from my pre-vacation weight of 169, I still am 17 pounds over my goal. Still overweight, still wanting to succeed, still standing in my own way.
I know this post sounds like a downer. It really isn't meant to be. I just continue to do things to defeat myself and that part is frustrating. I have set a few goals for myself that I know if I can meet them 80%, I can lose the 1 lb a week I want to lose. I just need to up my effort. My plan is to post my weight each Monday with how I fared with my daily goals. Just to try to keep myself accountable each day.
I know I only have 2 people who probably even read my blog but would really like to know since both of you (Jen and Carol) have successfully lost weight. What do you think was the right mental conversation to have with yourself when the moment strikes and you want to deny yourself that food. What did you say to yourself to walk away. I am still searching for those words. Today it has been, "you are worth not eating that" and it has worked.
I know I am more important. My goals are very important. My health is very important. And I need to stand up for myself. Just need to keep plugging away.
As a person who has been overweight since the age of 14, I have gotten pretty good about not seeing things through. I have wanted to get to a lower weight for years. First, I thought I should be 140. As a 5'9" person, this is really too thin for me to maintain. Then I moved it to 145, then 150 and now 155. Really... I think 150 - 155 is the right range.
So as my weigh in yesterday was 171.8 - up from my pre-vacation weight of 169, I still am 17 pounds over my goal. Still overweight, still wanting to succeed, still standing in my own way.
I know this post sounds like a downer. It really isn't meant to be. I just continue to do things to defeat myself and that part is frustrating. I have set a few goals for myself that I know if I can meet them 80%, I can lose the 1 lb a week I want to lose. I just need to up my effort. My plan is to post my weight each Monday with how I fared with my daily goals. Just to try to keep myself accountable each day.
I know I only have 2 people who probably even read my blog but would really like to know since both of you (Jen and Carol) have successfully lost weight. What do you think was the right mental conversation to have with yourself when the moment strikes and you want to deny yourself that food. What did you say to yourself to walk away. I am still searching for those words. Today it has been, "you are worth not eating that" and it has worked.
I know I am more important. My goals are very important. My health is very important. And I need to stand up for myself. Just need to keep plugging away.
Monday, April 13, 2009
Back to Reality
The sun has set on my Florida vacation.
I did have a fabulous time though. I was able to get online a couple of times to catch up on the posts for the blogs I follow. It was great to stay connected. The weather in Bonita was beautiful. Only 1 or 2 days in the 70's with the rest in the 80's. Then I return to lovely Indiana and today was in the 40's with rain. Yuck. I started a fire in our wood stove and have been depressed all day. Spring in the Midwest just stinks.
Now that I am back to reality, it is time to get back to the work of losing some more weight. I did have a really good body image week when I was there. My husband was pleasantly shocked when I first put on my suit. He was surprised that I had toned up and lost what I did. I am even brave enough to put my picture up here in a bathing suit. Shock and awe. Here it is.
I am far from where I want to be but did improve upon where I was last year. I am seeing progress.
I was very much so "off plan" while on vacation. I did not pay any attention to choices but did not eat very large portions. There was more to do while there and I was busy so eating was not as big of a priority. I did allow myself to eat foods that I would not normally so now I have will have to fight some cravings as I go back to my normal way of eating.
I really just did not think about my weight issues at all while gone. I didn't thing about work either or any sort of responsibilities. I was very carefree and relaxed and I want to go back now! It just felt good to just be without trying to change something or worrying about results or any of that.
I am working right now on establishing some goals for myself and I plan to weigh tomorrow AM. Yikes - not really looking forward to that but just need to get it done. As the title of my post says ... back to reality and that includes me seeing what damage might have been done in the past week and a half.
Wednesday, April 1, 2009
Words to Live By
Last night's Biggest Loser was not a particularly eventful episode. Nicole came back and won the right to return to the ranch based on the % of weight loss she achieved at home. She lost 87 pounds at home in 12 weeks which is an average of 7.25 pounds per week. That just sounds miraculous to me. I have read where prior contestants enlist sketchy tactics before the finale like only eating asparagus or other natural diretics or spending hours in a sauna, etc... to lose all that water weight. Nicole must have done some of these things as at weigh in she was up 5 pounds and lost her immunity and went to the elimnation room. She smoked her competition to return to the ranch and probably didn't even need to go to those extremes (if she did) but in the end she was voted off and sent home for the second time.
When Nicole left the elimination room, she gave the customary parting words to the camera. Her thoughts really hit home with me. I felt so connected to her through those words. I think she spoke for any of us who are trying to lose weight and what it is really about. I do not have TiVo and searched this morning for the exact words on NBC and You Tube but the episode is not up yet. So here is my recollection of what she said...
Sometimes we get so caught up in the results, the scale, the number, the goal, the tangible - the things we can tell others. That we miss what we are really doing. We are transforming our complete selves. Not just our pant size or weight. But changing who we are and how we choose on a daily basis to interract with food. It is so hard to tell people what I am trying to achieve. I really struggle here. People ask me, "so are you trying to lose weight."
Well, yes I am. But that is not all. I am also trying to learn to love the person I am and when I am binging, I do not really love that person. I am trying to identify the areas of frustration in my life that lead me to overeat. I am working on becoming more fullfilled in my work, my parenting and my hobbies so the Little Debbies are not quite as tempting. I am trying to change the patterns of behavior I have had since I was 14. In short... it is so much more than just trying to lose weight.
When we focus on just losing the weight, we fail to address the reasons we gained the weight in the first place. So if I could successfully diet without addressing all of the factors that led me to gain the weight in the first place, where would I be at maintenace time? Struggling to keep the weight off. The best comparison I can come up with is whenever it is time to paint a room, i just want to slop the new paint color up and have it looking nice. My husband wants to wash all the walls and use spackle on all the holes and caulk the molding, etc... But that takes time. I cannot get to the results as quick if I have to spend a day or two on prep. My wise husband will say... the time spent will be worth it. The results will be so much better.
Like my weight loss efforts... the time spent in going slow and working on more than just calorie counting will be worth it. My results will be so much better. (And lasting I might add)
When Nicole left the elimination room, she gave the customary parting words to the camera. Her thoughts really hit home with me. I felt so connected to her through those words. I think she spoke for any of us who are trying to lose weight and what it is really about. I do not have TiVo and searched this morning for the exact words on NBC and You Tube but the episode is not up yet. So here is my recollection of what she said...
It is not about winning the weigh in or getting eliminated. It is not about winning the competition. It's about how I feel about myself, what I know I am capable of doing, and the woman I have become. And I really love her.
Sometimes we get so caught up in the results, the scale, the number, the goal, the tangible - the things we can tell others. That we miss what we are really doing. We are transforming our complete selves. Not just our pant size or weight. But changing who we are and how we choose on a daily basis to interract with food. It is so hard to tell people what I am trying to achieve. I really struggle here. People ask me, "so are you trying to lose weight."
Well, yes I am. But that is not all. I am also trying to learn to love the person I am and when I am binging, I do not really love that person. I am trying to identify the areas of frustration in my life that lead me to overeat. I am working on becoming more fullfilled in my work, my parenting and my hobbies so the Little Debbies are not quite as tempting. I am trying to change the patterns of behavior I have had since I was 14. In short... it is so much more than just trying to lose weight.
When we focus on just losing the weight, we fail to address the reasons we gained the weight in the first place. So if I could successfully diet without addressing all of the factors that led me to gain the weight in the first place, where would I be at maintenace time? Struggling to keep the weight off. The best comparison I can come up with is whenever it is time to paint a room, i just want to slop the new paint color up and have it looking nice. My husband wants to wash all the walls and use spackle on all the holes and caulk the molding, etc... But that takes time. I cannot get to the results as quick if I have to spend a day or two on prep. My wise husband will say... the time spent will be worth it. The results will be so much better.
Like my weight loss efforts... the time spent in going slow and working on more than just calorie counting will be worth it. My results will be so much better. (And lasting I might add)
Monday, March 30, 2009
The Little Lies we tell ourselves
Thanks for the comments on my post from this morning. I never thought that the comment could have meant not my style. I am still not sure exactly what was meant by the comment. I do know this friend knows my struggles with body image and weight and she is very sweet so probably did not mean it the way I took it as she would know it would hurt me. I also realize that it really should just not matter. The fact that it did speaks volumes on how I think of myself.
Today I bought snacks at Walmart for our trip to Florida. We are flying but as they do not feed you, I thought have a few snacks for the kids instead of buying airport food. I bought a box of Teddy Grahams (little graham crackers). Anyway, on my way home from work. I felt myself migrating towards the bag to open the box. Now I felt this in my head - I was not physically doing it but could feel myself thinking about doing it. As I have been trying to keep in touch with my thoughts. I realized it. I was quite surprised to realize I think about these things before doing them. (That whole gap concept in my book where between thinking it and doing it is the gap where you can make a decision) Anyway, so I listened to myself and here is what I heard:
Snack eater voice: It has been 4 hours since lunch and you are hungry. You can open the box and just have a few. You won't eat them all.
I really kind of chuckled here as I thought. Yea right! I will eat 1/2 that box before getting home if I open it. I realized, I probably mentally tell myself this lie all the time. If I catch it and correct it, maybe I will start to realize that it is better to just not even start.
A bit of a break through.
Today I bought snacks at Walmart for our trip to Florida. We are flying but as they do not feed you, I thought have a few snacks for the kids instead of buying airport food. I bought a box of Teddy Grahams (little graham crackers). Anyway, on my way home from work. I felt myself migrating towards the bag to open the box. Now I felt this in my head - I was not physically doing it but could feel myself thinking about doing it. As I have been trying to keep in touch with my thoughts. I realized it. I was quite surprised to realize I think about these things before doing them. (That whole gap concept in my book where between thinking it and doing it is the gap where you can make a decision) Anyway, so I listened to myself and here is what I heard:
Snack eater voice: It has been 4 hours since lunch and you are hungry. You can open the box and just have a few. You won't eat them all.
I really kind of chuckled here as I thought. Yea right! I will eat 1/2 that box before getting home if I open it. I realized, I probably mentally tell myself this lie all the time. If I catch it and correct it, maybe I will start to realize that it is better to just not even start.
A bit of a break through.
Self Doubt
I had an experience Saturday that was upsetting that made so much more sense to me Sunday after reading another chapter in my emotional eating book.
Saturday was an annual girls day out event I have with some girlfriends where we shop for last minute items for our Spring Break trip. My list this year was very small for myself. I either wanted a new pair of sunglasses or a casual sun dress to wear out to dinner in Florida. I really struck out on both. Our last stop was Target and they had some casual sun dresses that were definitely above the knee. I realize that this is not a great length on me but was sorting through the rack just sort of browsing. My friend said - aren't those too short for you. I immediately said - yes I am just looking.
Now I know mini skirts aren't flattering on me or most women really but it wasn't that short. Would have been a couple inches above the knee but not at the crotch short so I didn't think this option was completely crazy for me to look at. But my friend casually said this - not maliciously - and isn't that what a good friend is for, to be honest when you need them to be. So, I walked away thinking "I guess she thinks I am too fat for shorter skirts" and was a little depressed internally the rest of the trip.
Some points to make.
1st - Notice how I took that comment and internalized it. It must be true! I see other women heavier, same size or smaller than me and I very rarely find myself saying - why is she wearing that. Now I have said that seeing very obese woman wearing a midriff top or daisy duke shorts but for the most part. I tend to think, "She has body confidence" because isn't that what it takes to carry off clothes - confidence.
2nd - Notice how I misinterpreted what she said and thought the most absolutely catastrophic thought - it must mean I am horribly fat and was immediately depressed where all day I had been upbeat and optimistic about the progress I had made. Found this type of thinking in my reading last night - A situation happens, you feel overwhelmed and powerless, you misinterpret the comment or situation and turn it into a catastrophe, you overeat. Being in public with a group of women, there was no overeating involved but I definitely overreacted to the comment.
3rd - This really filled me with self doubt. The title to Chapter 3 was "Your Self Doubt Layer". The first example the author gives is of his patient shopping at a store with their much smaller friend who pointed out to the overweight friend that she might consider Lane Bryant for her clothes. (OK a bit worse but along the same lines) Immediately she started a self critical judgment of herself - that feeling of judgment led the lady to overeat at the food mall and then to be angry at herself for overeating. The focus went from the feeling of being judged by her friend to the anger at herself for overeating. she displaced her feelings.
Displacement of emotions with overeating is not a new concept with me but one I fully understand. I do this. I am angry at boss, child, husband, friend, etc... I cannot handle those feelings they are too much. I find myself eating. I am angry at self for binging. I am used to dealing with the binging and the hatred that comes from that but to dive into my job or situations with loved ones that are difficult or troubling... too hard... so overeat and displace the emotions.
The author dives into self doubts at this part of the book and I read just a bit before realizing that there is so much work for me to do here. We all are afraid of not being accepted by others. I plan to spend some time in this chapter for a few days I would really like to find new ways to deal with self doubt.
Saturday was an annual girls day out event I have with some girlfriends where we shop for last minute items for our Spring Break trip. My list this year was very small for myself. I either wanted a new pair of sunglasses or a casual sun dress to wear out to dinner in Florida. I really struck out on both. Our last stop was Target and they had some casual sun dresses that were definitely above the knee. I realize that this is not a great length on me but was sorting through the rack just sort of browsing. My friend said - aren't those too short for you. I immediately said - yes I am just looking.
Now I know mini skirts aren't flattering on me or most women really but it wasn't that short. Would have been a couple inches above the knee but not at the crotch short so I didn't think this option was completely crazy for me to look at. But my friend casually said this - not maliciously - and isn't that what a good friend is for, to be honest when you need them to be. So, I walked away thinking "I guess she thinks I am too fat for shorter skirts" and was a little depressed internally the rest of the trip.
Some points to make.
1st - Notice how I took that comment and internalized it. It must be true! I see other women heavier, same size or smaller than me and I very rarely find myself saying - why is she wearing that. Now I have said that seeing very obese woman wearing a midriff top or daisy duke shorts but for the most part. I tend to think, "She has body confidence" because isn't that what it takes to carry off clothes - confidence.
2nd - Notice how I misinterpreted what she said and thought the most absolutely catastrophic thought - it must mean I am horribly fat and was immediately depressed where all day I had been upbeat and optimistic about the progress I had made. Found this type of thinking in my reading last night - A situation happens, you feel overwhelmed and powerless, you misinterpret the comment or situation and turn it into a catastrophe, you overeat. Being in public with a group of women, there was no overeating involved but I definitely overreacted to the comment.
3rd - This really filled me with self doubt. The title to Chapter 3 was "Your Self Doubt Layer". The first example the author gives is of his patient shopping at a store with their much smaller friend who pointed out to the overweight friend that she might consider Lane Bryant for her clothes. (OK a bit worse but along the same lines) Immediately she started a self critical judgment of herself - that feeling of judgment led the lady to overeat at the food mall and then to be angry at herself for overeating. The focus went from the feeling of being judged by her friend to the anger at herself for overeating. she displaced her feelings.
Displacement of emotions with overeating is not a new concept with me but one I fully understand. I do this. I am angry at boss, child, husband, friend, etc... I cannot handle those feelings they are too much. I find myself eating. I am angry at self for binging. I am used to dealing with the binging and the hatred that comes from that but to dive into my job or situations with loved ones that are difficult or troubling... too hard... so overeat and displace the emotions.
The author dives into self doubts at this part of the book and I read just a bit before realizing that there is so much work for me to do here. We all are afraid of not being accepted by others. I plan to spend some time in this chapter for a few days I would really like to find new ways to deal with self doubt.
Saturday, March 28, 2009
Powerlessness
I have actually had 2 days where my calorie intake was in an acceptable range and after my recent experiences with overeating, I need to take some time and consider why I am overeating and participating in such self defeating behaviors. Carol suggested a book that gets at why you are eating. I do not own this book but I have plenty of others on my bookshelf from previous dieting attempts and so I picked one up last night and started reading.
The title of the book is "Shrink Yourself. Break free from emotional eating forever!" I bought it years ago, read a few chapters and when there was no miraculous shedding of weight, it went on the bookshelf. I imagine that we all have that shelf filled with books from the past. I am not making any promises that this time I will finish it and do all the exercises. I do not want to set myself up for failure. I am just going to read it and if it helps, keep reading. If it is not helping, stop reading. Just trying to keep it simple.
This psychiatrist's theory is that all overeating is a result of feeling Powerless. When we feel powerless, we eat. His opinion is there are 5 situations that bring about feelings of powerlessness and cause overeating:
1. Powerless over how to deal with self-doubts
2. Powerless about how to get real satisfaction in life.
3. Powerless to insure own safety.
4. Powerless to appropriately assert independence.
5. Powerless to fill yourself up when empty inside.
When you feel powerless, you are immediately drawn to eat. When this feeling comes along, before you eat, there is a gap where you make a decision to eat or not and this is what you need to work on changing - that decision.
In the introduction of the book the author tells of the Native American folk tale where a grandfather explains to his grandson that there are two wolves inside of him. One wolf fills him with hope, the other fills him with doubt. The grandson asks his grandfather which wolf wins. The grandfather answers, whichever wolf you feed. So when I feel powerless, before I eat, in that gap - which wolf will I decide to feed. The one that gives me hope and tells me that life is wonderful and full of opportunity or the one that fills me with dread and tells me it is not worth the effort.
I have only read the 1st chapter and plan to take it 1 chapter at a time and try to learn something about myself and the emotional or spiritual part of this journey. I have much room for growth in this area and feel if I can make strides here, my weight loss goals are not so far out of my reach.
The title of the book is "Shrink Yourself. Break free from emotional eating forever!" I bought it years ago, read a few chapters and when there was no miraculous shedding of weight, it went on the bookshelf. I imagine that we all have that shelf filled with books from the past. I am not making any promises that this time I will finish it and do all the exercises. I do not want to set myself up for failure. I am just going to read it and if it helps, keep reading. If it is not helping, stop reading. Just trying to keep it simple.
This psychiatrist's theory is that all overeating is a result of feeling Powerless. When we feel powerless, we eat. His opinion is there are 5 situations that bring about feelings of powerlessness and cause overeating:
1. Powerless over how to deal with self-doubts
2. Powerless about how to get real satisfaction in life.
3. Powerless to insure own safety.
4. Powerless to appropriately assert independence.
5. Powerless to fill yourself up when empty inside.
When you feel powerless, you are immediately drawn to eat. When this feeling comes along, before you eat, there is a gap where you make a decision to eat or not and this is what you need to work on changing - that decision.
In the introduction of the book the author tells of the Native American folk tale where a grandfather explains to his grandson that there are two wolves inside of him. One wolf fills him with hope, the other fills him with doubt. The grandson asks his grandfather which wolf wins. The grandfather answers, whichever wolf you feed. So when I feel powerless, before I eat, in that gap - which wolf will I decide to feed. The one that gives me hope and tells me that life is wonderful and full of opportunity or the one that fills me with dread and tells me it is not worth the effort.
I have only read the 1st chapter and plan to take it 1 chapter at a time and try to learn something about myself and the emotional or spiritual part of this journey. I have much room for growth in this area and feel if I can make strides here, my weight loss goals are not so far out of my reach.
Thursday, March 26, 2009
Reasons
I woke up this morning with a binge hangover from last night. Yes after my post yesterday where I discussed how I lack the capacity to motivate myself and allow myself all to easily and all to frequently to lapse in my eating habits, at 9:30 with merely 1/2 hour to go on Lost where I would be heading to bed, I proceeded to have a glass of wine while eating direct from the Goldfish cracker box - for 1/2 hour straight. Self defeating obviously.
So this morning I woke up mad at myself and frustrated but also a little curious as to why I continue to repeat these behaviors and sabotage my own success. I decided to think about why I am trying to not only lose weight but also change how I interact with food on a daily basis. I started a list of reasons why I get up every day and go through this process. Why - do I even know? Is it because I am societally unacceptable as a size 12 - 14? Shouldn't I be a 6 or 8? Isn't that how it should be. Is that why I do this? Or do I have a more compelling reason. Or maybe I really don't' know why - what is my reason - maybe I really don't' know and that is why I flounder and retreat in the wrong direction over and over again.
I must have a purpose!
So here is my list:
1. My cholesterol can be high and I want to maintain it without prescription drugs below 200.
2. I want to be physically and mentally healthy and my overeating seriously interferes with my mental health.
3. I want to feel positive and upbeat about my future.
4. I want to know the clothes in my closet will fit and I won't be faced with having nothing to wear.
5. I want to be comfortable in my own skin and when I am, when I feel this way, it is when I am taking care of my health and eating well. And I have felt this way and not been at goal weight. THAT TELLS ME IT IS NOT JUST ABOUT WEIGHT BUT ABOUT ACTIONS.
6. Waking up each day with hope not with regret over the previous day's binge and the hopelessness that comes with the day after a binge.
7. I want the years to stop passing where I have uncontrollable eating and look back at the passing of time and find myself shocked at the years that have gone by. Did I think at 20 that I would be 30 and still facing being overweight or now approaching 40 and realizing that 20 and 30 passed. Do I want to be 50?
How do I sum this all up? I don't know. There are compelling reasons there to resolve this and not all of them have to do with body size. I realize alot of it has to do with general good feelings of well being and peace that accompany having your act together. When something is out of balance, it throws your soul/spirit out of balance whatever your addiction is. I want to be in balance.
Carol recommended the Beck Diet Solution which I may read when I return from my vacation.
I realize this is part of my process. Where I lack in will power I have got staying power - I will continue on this process and do the work it takes to get healthier. I just want my time to be more productive.
So this morning I woke up mad at myself and frustrated but also a little curious as to why I continue to repeat these behaviors and sabotage my own success. I decided to think about why I am trying to not only lose weight but also change how I interact with food on a daily basis. I started a list of reasons why I get up every day and go through this process. Why - do I even know? Is it because I am societally unacceptable as a size 12 - 14? Shouldn't I be a 6 or 8? Isn't that how it should be. Is that why I do this? Or do I have a more compelling reason. Or maybe I really don't' know why - what is my reason - maybe I really don't' know and that is why I flounder and retreat in the wrong direction over and over again.
I must have a purpose!
So here is my list:
1. My cholesterol can be high and I want to maintain it without prescription drugs below 200.
2. I want to be physically and mentally healthy and my overeating seriously interferes with my mental health.
3. I want to feel positive and upbeat about my future.
4. I want to know the clothes in my closet will fit and I won't be faced with having nothing to wear.
5. I want to be comfortable in my own skin and when I am, when I feel this way, it is when I am taking care of my health and eating well. And I have felt this way and not been at goal weight. THAT TELLS ME IT IS NOT JUST ABOUT WEIGHT BUT ABOUT ACTIONS.
6. Waking up each day with hope not with regret over the previous day's binge and the hopelessness that comes with the day after a binge.
7. I want the years to stop passing where I have uncontrollable eating and look back at the passing of time and find myself shocked at the years that have gone by. Did I think at 20 that I would be 30 and still facing being overweight or now approaching 40 and realizing that 20 and 30 passed. Do I want to be 50?
How do I sum this all up? I don't know. There are compelling reasons there to resolve this and not all of them have to do with body size. I realize alot of it has to do with general good feelings of well being and peace that accompany having your act together. When something is out of balance, it throws your soul/spirit out of balance whatever your addiction is. I want to be in balance.
Carol recommended the Beck Diet Solution which I may read when I return from my vacation.
I realize this is part of my process. Where I lack in will power I have got staying power - I will continue on this process and do the work it takes to get healthier. I just want my time to be more productive.
Wednesday, March 25, 2009
Determination and persistence win out - at least on the BL
Well last night was another Biggest Loser night. I enjoyed the show and learned a lot about myself as usual.
First I am a big Tara fan. I see alot of myself in her - minus her unbelievable determination and persistence. Maybe I really do not see myself in Tara but see Tara as the person I want to be. Somthing to think about there.
The challenge last night was 2 parts. First the amount of weight contestants lost could be placed on another contestant for part 2 of the challenge. Of course everyone ganged up on Tara and gave her extra weight. I am a very emotional person for sure and during the first part of the challenge when everyone was giving her pounds, I was just seeing her standing there and trying to not let it get to her and if it was me, I would have cried for certain. It just sucks how others can bring us down and a part 1 of this challenge was a picture of the human emotions of jealously and resentment. We all want to be on top and whoever is on top has to have eyes on the back of their head as people are gunning for them. In the end, Tara took it very personally - rightfully so - got sad and then got angry and then took them all out even with her 257 lbs of extra weight hauling that car around the track. I was so glad to see her win. Part 2 of the challenge showed determination and persistence can lead us to victory when the odds are not in our favor. She beat a man pulling more weight. Mentally she was able to do what physically seemed impossible.
As a person I tend to be very mentally weak -- I am so quick to cave against my resolve. I have best of intentions to stick to my 1500 calories a day but find myself logging 1700 - 1800. I have a food plan I fall off of by 2 pm. I plan on avoiding refined foods and eat natural foods and then find myself digging into Wheat Thins at 2 pm. And honestly, without a lot of internal struggle. I just get up and grab the box and eat.
How can I become a person with more determination to change my behaviours? How do I push myself beyond the boundaries that seem inconquerable to me right now? How do I tap into my own determination and persistence to have victory over my weight battle that has loomed on and on and on all of my adult life? I guess if the answer to that was easy, I would have figured it out by now.
On a positive note, I tried on my shorts from last summer size 12's that were too tight last year and they do fit now and fit comfortably so I will have clothes to wear and Florida and will not have to buy anything - I may splurge for a new pair of flip flops.
I acknowledge I have seen progress in the last 3 months. And this is not a 3 month race for me. I am fully committed to losing the 25 - 30 lbs I need to lose over 9 - 12 months. I want to put my best effort foward every day and let the weight come off as a result of my best efforts and that is the frustration I have - I do not always put forth my best efforts. I am too quick to let myself down. And in the end - I do LET MYSELF DOWN - not anyone else.
First I am a big Tara fan. I see alot of myself in her - minus her unbelievable determination and persistence. Maybe I really do not see myself in Tara but see Tara as the person I want to be. Somthing to think about there.
The challenge last night was 2 parts. First the amount of weight contestants lost could be placed on another contestant for part 2 of the challenge. Of course everyone ganged up on Tara and gave her extra weight. I am a very emotional person for sure and during the first part of the challenge when everyone was giving her pounds, I was just seeing her standing there and trying to not let it get to her and if it was me, I would have cried for certain. It just sucks how others can bring us down and a part 1 of this challenge was a picture of the human emotions of jealously and resentment. We all want to be on top and whoever is on top has to have eyes on the back of their head as people are gunning for them. In the end, Tara took it very personally - rightfully so - got sad and then got angry and then took them all out even with her 257 lbs of extra weight hauling that car around the track. I was so glad to see her win. Part 2 of the challenge showed determination and persistence can lead us to victory when the odds are not in our favor. She beat a man pulling more weight. Mentally she was able to do what physically seemed impossible.
As a person I tend to be very mentally weak -- I am so quick to cave against my resolve. I have best of intentions to stick to my 1500 calories a day but find myself logging 1700 - 1800. I have a food plan I fall off of by 2 pm. I plan on avoiding refined foods and eat natural foods and then find myself digging into Wheat Thins at 2 pm. And honestly, without a lot of internal struggle. I just get up and grab the box and eat.
How can I become a person with more determination to change my behaviours? How do I push myself beyond the boundaries that seem inconquerable to me right now? How do I tap into my own determination and persistence to have victory over my weight battle that has loomed on and on and on all of my adult life? I guess if the answer to that was easy, I would have figured it out by now.
On a positive note, I tried on my shorts from last summer size 12's that were too tight last year and they do fit now and fit comfortably so I will have clothes to wear and Florida and will not have to buy anything - I may splurge for a new pair of flip flops.
I acknowledge I have seen progress in the last 3 months. And this is not a 3 month race for me. I am fully committed to losing the 25 - 30 lbs I need to lose over 9 - 12 months. I want to put my best effort foward every day and let the weight come off as a result of my best efforts and that is the frustration I have - I do not always put forth my best efforts. I am too quick to let myself down. And in the end - I do LET MYSELF DOWN - not anyone else.
Tuesday, March 24, 2009
Springtime in Indiana
Well it is springtime here in the midwest and that means --- really inconsistent weather swings! It was 60 on Saturday, 70 on Sunday, 55 yesterday and barely 60 today. I am really glad I went for my outdoor exercise session on Sunday.
In honor of our cooler temperatures, I made split pea soup from scratch. I love this soup but have to admit that the eye appeal is really lacking. My son was quite shocked when he saw the color of my soup. It does look pretty nasty but tastes good.
I have been trying to incorporate more beans and legumes into my diet to up my fiber intake and get a good protein source not from an animal. I definately consider meat my least favorite food group.
I had a better sleeping night last night. It was a bit iffy at first, I just kept saying to myself... relax... relax... relax... Partly I am worried that it will become mental for me. I am going to keep an eye on the situation and make a note each day in my food journal if I slept ok or not. That way I can establish patterns to see if it could be hormonal related as Carol suggested.
In honor of our cooler temperatures, I made split pea soup from scratch. I love this soup but have to admit that the eye appeal is really lacking. My son was quite shocked when he saw the color of my soup. It does look pretty nasty but tastes good.
I have been trying to incorporate more beans and legumes into my diet to up my fiber intake and get a good protein source not from an animal. I definately consider meat my least favorite food group.
I had a better sleeping night last night. It was a bit iffy at first, I just kept saying to myself... relax... relax... relax... Partly I am worried that it will become mental for me. I am going to keep an eye on the situation and make a note each day in my food journal if I slept ok or not. That way I can establish patterns to see if it could be hormonal related as Carol suggested.
Monday, March 23, 2009
Trouble Sleeping
For the past month or so, I have intermittently had trouble sleeping. Usually I wake up around 2 am and then cannot fall back asleep. Saturday night this happened to me and I just lay there trying to go to sleep and cannot and it is incredibly frustrating. I have tried multiple techniques to clear my mind. I feel like I have so many thoughts racing through my mind as I lay there - songs I can't get out of my head, thoughts about things I need to get done, worries about my kids, etc... I try to clear them out and replace them with something more relaxing and as I lay there, I hear them coming back in.
Last night, I could not fall asleep. Yesterday here it was mid 60's and I exercised outside and then did outdoor chores for about 4 hours. I was sore and tired but when I got into bed, here came the tape player of mutiple messages, worries, songs on the radio - and I laid in bed for 2 hours unable to fall asleep. I ended up turning on the light besides my bed and reading for an hour which did help some. I managed to sleep for the most part from midnight until 6:45 so I feel mostly rested this AM.
I am usually the person who is asleep before their head hits the pillow and never will wake up at night - even sleeping through horrible thunderstorms. I do not feel like I am horribly stressed about anything right now and am afraid this is becoming a habit I will not be able to shake. I am trying not to worry about falling asleep before I go to bed but it is in the back of my mind.
Any suggestions?
Last night, I could not fall asleep. Yesterday here it was mid 60's and I exercised outside and then did outdoor chores for about 4 hours. I was sore and tired but when I got into bed, here came the tape player of mutiple messages, worries, songs on the radio - and I laid in bed for 2 hours unable to fall asleep. I ended up turning on the light besides my bed and reading for an hour which did help some. I managed to sleep for the most part from midnight until 6:45 so I feel mostly rested this AM.
I am usually the person who is asleep before their head hits the pillow and never will wake up at night - even sleeping through horrible thunderstorms. I do not feel like I am horribly stressed about anything right now and am afraid this is becoming a habit I will not be able to shake. I am trying not to worry about falling asleep before I go to bed but it is in the back of my mind.
Any suggestions?
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
