Thursday, May 21, 2009

Results are not in my control

I had an Ah-ha moment today. So many times I am trying to control my results. But the results are out of my control. My job is to be strong and resilient in my program. To confidently follow through with the healthy eating and exercise it will take to get results. Then I leave the results to be what they are. If I am doing my part, I will get results. If I am only concentrating on the results, I am not doing what is truly my part.

I am not sure if this makes sense or not but it does to me. I step on the scale some weeks thinking - this will be a 2 pound week. Then it isn't - it is a .5 pound week or a 1 pound week. I am disappointed. Or all week long I look forward to results day as that is the day that matters. What are my results. I am focusing on the area I have the lease control.

I will leave the results up to God and I will concentrate on doing what I can to be the healthiest me.

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

Life of bees

My husband has many outdoor hobbies and the latest is beekeeping. In the spring he taps trees for maple syrup and now I will have honey to add to my healthy sweetener options. Anyway, the bees are here and they were setting up their hive at our house this week. After a couple of days, several bees were dead on the ground outside the hive. I guess they work really hard collecting pollen and then they die. Thousands are born each day and thousands die. A fact I did not know. The other bees carry the dead ones that die in the hive out.

As I have been working hard the past few weeks, I guess I am glad I am not a bee. I would have been dead by now! I could see my co-workers pulling me out of the office and dropping me in the parking lot. I am just not sure who they would find to replace me as the software trainer!

Anyway... here is a shot of our bees!

Saturday, May 16, 2009

Climbing Wall/Weekly Weigh In

My son had a 4th grade study/camping trip at a YMCA camp this week. I went along and spent the night Thursday night so I weighed Thursday instead of Friday. And the number was...


So I am making some progress though not very quick progress! I am hoping to be a pound less next week and just keep at it one pound at a time.

I am considering joining a 12 week weight loss program through our local hospital. It is $65 and includes cooking classes, weekly weigh in's and group support. They have an informational meeting this Wednesday and it starts next Wednesday. For the money it sounds like a really good deal and affordable for me but with my work demands that will not be over for another 3 - 4 weeks, I am not sure it is the best timing. They also have a session that starts the end of June. I believe that may be the best time for me to start. Possibly, I will do some checking online and go to the information meeting in June.

Overall I feel great about where I am. I feel at peace with this process and do not feel rushed to get to a certain weight. My health is becoming more of a priority for me. I just feel that my goals are attainable. The main reason for starting the class as it is a "mind body" approach - not just a diet. In fact they say there is no dieting or counting involved. Just the healthy meal planning. Whenever I get bogged down in counting, it makes me obsessive. If I know I am 100 calories over, I might as well be 1000 over - it is faiure. I just hate that feeling.

While I was at 4th grade camp, I was one of the few parents with the courage to attempt the climbing wall. It was a 40 foot wall and looked way easier than it was! I made it past 1/2 way but at the tricky part of the wall, I got stuck. I realized I need some more upper body strength. I did not have the muscle to make it happen.

Even though I did not make it all the way. I tried and it was a bit scary but did not let that stop me. When else will I get a chance to climb a wall! I can remember when I maybe would have avoided a situation like that due to what others might think of me. I am no longer seeing myself as an overweight person. It is a nice change in thinking.

Monday, May 11, 2009

Mother's Day

This Mother's Day was wonderful for me. I was treated very well by the 3 men in my life. I felt very special and very loved. It was a great day for me. I sometimes forget to be thankful for the wonderful blessings in my life as I work on the physical parts of me and wanted to post how much I appreciate my family.

Hope you all enjoyed your Mother's Day or days with your Mother's on Mother's Day.

Friday, May 8, 2009

Long Week/Good Week

Well it has been another long week but this time a good one. My Mom is in town which means I am trying to juggle this work project -- with time with her -- with time working out -- with time eating well -- with blogging time -- with bible study time -- with little league baseball games -- with well you get the picture

My Mom and I have a special relationship. She struggles with mental health issues and is not your typical Mom. She has been this way all my life. It is hard to describe - she isn't completely off the wall crazy as she is highly medicated. She is manic depressive, bi-polar, anxiety ridden. I have spent years resenting this Mother Daughter relationship but now realize the situation for what it is and my Mother's dependence on her daughters as her only hope in life and I am trying to come through for her.

On a funny note... if you have seen Seinfeld you know they have the "close talker" and the "low talker" characters that Jerry makes fun of. Well my husband has labeled my Mom the "quiet walker". I call her a stalker. She will sneak up behind you while say cutting vegetables at the kitchen counter and stand behind you and you never know she is there. Then when you turn around you run into her nearly stabbing her with a knife you were taking to the kitchen sink. I realize she just wants to be near me but she sure is quiet and sneaky.

As a child, my Mom was anorexic on top of all of her other issues. Then bulimic for awhile. Now she is purely a compulsive eater and laxative abuser. I have seen her go through more Metamucil and prune juice this week than before. I have talked to her but with her mental limitations, you cannot get through. She thinks what she is doing is healthy as she is on a lot of medications which cause constipation and she needs all this stuff. Well-- she overate all week and cannot button her jeans now so all I have heard about for the past 24 hours is how miserable she is.

I am not mentally challenged but I feel like I am looking in the mirror. My Mom eats when she doesn't really want to, eats when not hungry, eats to the point of busting, eats to make herself feel better for overeating only to then feel more sick. It is really quite sad. I have seen myself in her this week and did not like the reflection. This pattern of behavior in our family will stop with me.

I bought a great devotional book at the bookstore this week called Living Well. It is about living a balanced life and it is based on the Christian weight loss plan called First Place 4 Health. The program stresses balance in 4 areas of your life - mental, physical, emotional and spiritual. The devotional book is compiled with submissions by people who successfully completed the program. I really see myself as trying to achieve this balance in my life. I have been lopsided for too long looking at just my weight loss goal as my singular focus.

I wanted to share my first lesson from the book about making wise choices. God offers us life and blessings or death and curses. It is our choice to decide which we want. Just as in my weight loss efforts we have to decide whether to binge and eat something that I know will take me off plan - that is not choosing life for me personally. all too often I make the choice to not bless myself with following through on what I intend to do. I have used this lesson the past few days to walk away from food and it has helped. I now am starting to feel blessed and it feels good.

Have a wedding in Michigan this weekend so may not get to post. Hope you all enjoy your weekends and hope you have good weather in your area.

Monday, May 4, 2009

First post in awhile.

I have not blogged regularly in 2 weeks and I miss it. I have been overwhelmed at work. I have worked just short of 50 hours each of the past 2 weeks and I do not like it! Last Spring I downsized to part time with the company I have worked for since 1995. I agreed (yes it is my fault) to take on these extra hours for 6 weeks while we are implementing new software.

My thought process in agreeing to this was...

First -- not sure what the economy brings for this company and better to take the hours now and bank the money then to turn them down.

Second -- this software change could mean less work at our local branch and more work at corporate in Nashville which could again affect my job. Make the money while you can sort of thinking.

Third -- If I am the trainer I will understand the system and when the change happens if there is job reduction, I will be the most knowledgeable and therefore hopefully the most valuable.

Lastly -- I was the software trainer the last time we changed software in 1998 and I like to train and the company needed me so I agreed to help.

So self inflicted misery I have but it is short term. I still think it was the right decision for me to agree to the hours but in the meanwhile... I have less time. I am still exercising but that is all I can really give myself credit for. I have not been journaling my food and have not been paying attention to what I have been eating at night.

I also have not weighed in 2 weeks. I need to get on the scale and will this week. My Mom is also here so sure I will have a post about our relationship soon. As she is in town, I will not be working 50 hours this week but more like 25 so I should have more time to post and journal my food when my Mom is not standing over my shoulder watching everything I do. :) - Hint of the post to come!

Monday, April 27, 2009

What a Weekend

For those of you in the midwest. We had a wonderful weekend. Now it was a bit windy around here. But with temps in the higher 70's and lower 80's, I am not going to complain or let that stop me from getting outside.

I got so much done this weekend both outside and inside my house plus 2 runs. A 4 miler on Friday and a 2 miler yesterday as I really did not want to test my knee too much. I made both ok with a 3 walk breaks on the 4 miler. I just wanted to enjoy those temps. Looks like today is the last day as the remainder of the week will be cooler with chance of rain.

I really want to comment on how us Midwesterners come to life when the weather changes. Everyone is happy and outside. I think our emotions all thaw out from the winter temps and we are just glad to be alive. At least that is how I felt. I still follow the no annuals planted until Mother's Day rule. (Got burned by that one with a snow fall once in the 10+ years I have lived here) I did go to the garden center and buy some perennials and looked at trees. I love to garden and work in my yard. Even had asparagus from my garden last night - there is just nothing better than home grown vegetables.

While outside this weekend with a really great attitude as detailed above, I had some time to consider Carol's post on having a vision. I really have to say I do not have one. I went through some of the usual thoughts I would have expected for my vision - seeing myself in a smaller size, being more comfortable in clothes, feeling confident in my appearance, being stronger and fit physically with muscle tone - these area valid vision components but I really kept getting tugged towards more emotional components of my vision. These thoughts kept popping into my head...

Not feeling the pull of junk food to be eaten due to uncomfortable feelings or emotions.

Praying, meditating, stretching, walking, breathing instead of eating.

Believing in my ability to change the eating patterns I adopted as a child.

Seeing myself as a person who can change.

As I was compiling these thoughts, I realized that these are all part of my 155 self vision and part of my current weight vision. I need/want to be all of these things now. This will be part of my change. If I can achieve the above part of my vision, I will be such a healthier eater. I will be thinner too but more importantly a HEALTHIER EATER.

Sometimes weight is all I focus on. What will it take to be thinner. But I don't want to just be thinner. I want to be healthier - not just physically with a smaller number on the scale and Michelle Obama arms but emotionally healthier capable of not reacting to emotions or feelings with overeating.

I feel I am on my way - defining my vision - documenting it on paper and posting it as a reminder - living my vision - seeing the physical and emotional results. I want to live my vision now not just at 155.