Monday, April 27, 2009

What a Weekend

For those of you in the midwest. We had a wonderful weekend. Now it was a bit windy around here. But with temps in the higher 70's and lower 80's, I am not going to complain or let that stop me from getting outside.

I got so much done this weekend both outside and inside my house plus 2 runs. A 4 miler on Friday and a 2 miler yesterday as I really did not want to test my knee too much. I made both ok with a 3 walk breaks on the 4 miler. I just wanted to enjoy those temps. Looks like today is the last day as the remainder of the week will be cooler with chance of rain.

I really want to comment on how us Midwesterners come to life when the weather changes. Everyone is happy and outside. I think our emotions all thaw out from the winter temps and we are just glad to be alive. At least that is how I felt. I still follow the no annuals planted until Mother's Day rule. (Got burned by that one with a snow fall once in the 10+ years I have lived here) I did go to the garden center and buy some perennials and looked at trees. I love to garden and work in my yard. Even had asparagus from my garden last night - there is just nothing better than home grown vegetables.

While outside this weekend with a really great attitude as detailed above, I had some time to consider Carol's post on having a vision. I really have to say I do not have one. I went through some of the usual thoughts I would have expected for my vision - seeing myself in a smaller size, being more comfortable in clothes, feeling confident in my appearance, being stronger and fit physically with muscle tone - these area valid vision components but I really kept getting tugged towards more emotional components of my vision. These thoughts kept popping into my head...

Not feeling the pull of junk food to be eaten due to uncomfortable feelings or emotions.

Praying, meditating, stretching, walking, breathing instead of eating.

Believing in my ability to change the eating patterns I adopted as a child.

Seeing myself as a person who can change.

As I was compiling these thoughts, I realized that these are all part of my 155 self vision and part of my current weight vision. I need/want to be all of these things now. This will be part of my change. If I can achieve the above part of my vision, I will be such a healthier eater. I will be thinner too but more importantly a HEALTHIER EATER.

Sometimes weight is all I focus on. What will it take to be thinner. But I don't want to just be thinner. I want to be healthier - not just physically with a smaller number on the scale and Michelle Obama arms but emotionally healthier capable of not reacting to emotions or feelings with overeating.

I feel I am on my way - defining my vision - documenting it on paper and posting it as a reminder - living my vision - seeing the physical and emotional results. I want to live my vision now not just at 155.

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

Weekly Update

Here is my weekly update. My weight ended up at 169.8. Which is surprising honestly when you look at my where I came in with my goals:

I originally had 5 goals but decided my biggest obstacle is just tracking what I eat. I have a tendency to give up and not get it done. I just need to understand what I am eating so I can start to work on what I need to do to cut back to weight loss level. All those non-tracking days, I am positive I was above 1500 calories.

My only explanation for the loss is I cleaned up my yard for about 8 hours total over the weekend. It was a lot of work Friday and Saturday and even 1 hour in the rain on Sunday. We had ice storms in my area over the winter and their were tens of thousands of limbs down. Big and little. I woke up Saturday after working in my yard 5 hours on Friday and could not bend over and touch my toes. I always wondered what those "dead lift" exercises actually did for your hams and glutes well now I know after picking up stick after stick to put it in my wheelbarrow. I was working on a 2 acre yard so was walking quite a bit to get to my burn pile and pushing that wheel barrow loaded with sticks. I must have burned a few calories off I ate earlier in the week? I am hoping this weight sticks for next week.

I am going to have a really rough week at work. I am working on implementing a new software package and I am working 8 - 4:30 and then going back from 8 - midnight to train the off shift people. I have a couple of worries: exercise time, blogging time and food journal logging time. I will only get about 2.5 house at home with my family due to commute time and still need to help prepare dinner and do homework. I got in exercise yesterday. But will not today. I am hoping to get it in Mon - Wed - Fri then will need to work out Saturday and Sunday this weekend. I am also committed to logging my food which means I will probably not blog much this week. I will be reading the other blogs I follow as everyones posts keep me motivated.

I have a parting thought that I picked up in church this weekend, the verse is

"But we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance, perseverance, character and character, hope.

Funny I never ever have rejoiced in my sufferings but through them is where I do all my personal growth which explains the perseverance brings about character. Not sure if Paul meant weight loss when he wrote this verse in Romans! But I can apply it to that area of my life. Well maybe not weight loss but more the desire to live a different life. To not be burdened with the unhealthy food desires I have. I am committed to continual improvement in this area of my life.

I hope you all have a good week and come closer to meeting your personal goals.

Friday, April 17, 2009

If not now, when?

I posted a few days ago about needing inspirational words to help me turn down tempting comfort foods when the need to eat them and break my healthy eating plan hits me.

Well today I found those words in an article I was reading in Women's Day Magazine. This is really not an exciting magazine that I usually flip through and then pass on to someone else but as I was flipping through today, there was an article titled "Love, again. After a heartbreaking loss, I moved across the country to make a fresh start. What I found there turned my life around". I would not normally read this article but something told me to do it so I started reading about how this lady found love again. Basically both her and her new husband each lost a spouse to cancer. Really a sad story but a few years ago she was faced with leaving NYC and her "old" life - apartment, job, scenery - that she had shared with her first husband who passed away. She knew she needed to leave but was afraid to. So she asked herself "If not now, when"

I did not finish reading the article. I got to that point and I said to myself. "IF NOT NOW, WHEN" The words I have been searching for. Every evening when snack monster reigns on me and I want to overeat, I tell myself "you can start again tomorrow" Those words are replaced with "If not now, when"

I will not get another chance at yesterday or today. This is my only chance. So if I cannot do it today, when will I do it. Tomorrow is today for me going forward and I will do it today.

Thursday, April 16, 2009

Just a little better

I am trying to give myself some credit for today. I was a little better. One of my goals which I will start posting next week is to track all of my food. I have a tendency to go into denial mode when I overeat. It is as if I am saying... If I ignore this, it really didn't happen. Except it did, and I didn't count it so I have no idea how much I really ate. Then I have this wonderful excuse for why weigh in day does not go so well. "How did that happen, I didn't lose weight... is that possible" Oh yes Sharon it is when you snack at night or while cooking and do not acknowledge or hold yourself accountable, yes that will happen.

So I know I really need to work on tracking what I eat - all of it. I use Fit Day and it is an easy, handy tool. Monday and Tuesday I blew it and did not track. Wednesday I ended up eating at night but I tracked it all and came in at 2069 calories. Then today I was at 1465 and came in at 8 pm a little hungry. I grabbed a handful of chips and a slice of cheese and then realized I was doing it AGAIN! I came in to my tracker and put it what I had eaten and was at 1690. So that is where I will end this day. At least I caught myself and stopped it.

My Fitness magazine had a good article about mental blocks and how to overcome them. Also another blog I follow had an excellent post on wanting something you know you really do not want but feeling driven to eat it and yet not eating it and then being really sad because you cannot have that food. I thought about how this is a mental block for me to think I can actually not do it when I really want to eat comfort foods. I want to eat them, I am driven to eat them and I regularly do eat them. There is the option to not eat them and tonight when I exercised that option to stop myself, I did feel a little sad as I could not have what I wanted to eat. I came here to post to help with the sad feelings.

An interesting point is I do not feel this way all month. It seems to be strongest right before my period so possibly it is hormone related. I am not sure. I will continue to challenge myself and work through this pattern of behavior which I know is standing between me and my goal.

Wednesday, April 15, 2009

Am I more important?

I sometimes wonder if I am more important than the temptations that overcome me. Am I worth it and is reaching my goals worth more than the Easter candy sitting on my refrigerator? So far today, I have not given into my kids Easter stash. But... yet... I am thinking about it.

As a person who has been overweight since the age of 14, I have gotten pretty good about not seeing things through. I have wanted to get to a lower weight for years. First, I thought I should be 140. As a 5'9" person, this is really too thin for me to maintain. Then I moved it to 145, then 150 and now 155. Really... I think 150 - 155 is the right range.

So as my weigh in yesterday was 171.8 - up from my pre-vacation weight of 169, I still am 17 pounds over my goal. Still overweight, still wanting to succeed, still standing in my own way.

I know this post sounds like a downer. It really isn't meant to be. I just continue to do things to defeat myself and that part is frustrating. I have set a few goals for myself that I know if I can meet them 80%, I can lose the 1 lb a week I want to lose. I just need to up my effort. My plan is to post my weight each Monday with how I fared with my daily goals. Just to try to keep myself accountable each day.

I know I only have 2 people who probably even read my blog but would really like to know since both of you (Jen and Carol) have successfully lost weight. What do you think was the right mental conversation to have with yourself when the moment strikes and you want to deny yourself that food. What did you say to yourself to walk away. I am still searching for those words. Today it has been, "you are worth not eating that" and it has worked.

I know I am more important. My goals are very important. My health is very important. And I need to stand up for myself. Just need to keep plugging away.

Monday, April 13, 2009

Back to Reality

The sun has set on my Florida vacation.

I did have a fabulous time though. I was able to get online a couple of times to catch up on the posts for the blogs I follow. It was great to stay connected. The weather in Bonita was beautiful. Only 1 or 2 days in the 70's with the rest in the 80's. Then I return to lovely Indiana and today was in the 40's with rain. Yuck. I started a fire in our wood stove and have been depressed all day. Spring in the Midwest just stinks.

Now that I am back to reality, it is time to get back to the work of losing some more weight. I did have a really good body image week when I was there. My husband was pleasantly shocked when I first put on my suit. He was surprised that I had toned up and lost what I did. I am even brave enough to put my picture up here in a bathing suit. Shock and awe. Here it is.

I am far from where I want to be but did improve upon where I was last year. I am seeing progress.

I was very much so "off plan" while on vacation. I did not pay any attention to choices but did not eat very large portions. There was more to do while there and I was busy so eating was not as big of a priority. I did allow myself to eat foods that I would not normally so now I have will have to fight some cravings as I go back to my normal way of eating.

I really just did not think about my weight issues at all while gone. I didn't thing about work either or any sort of responsibilities. I was very carefree and relaxed and I want to go back now! It just felt good to just be without trying to change something or worrying about results or any of that.

I am working right now on establishing some goals for myself and I plan to weigh tomorrow AM. Yikes - not really looking forward to that but just need to get it done. As the title of my post says ... back to reality and that includes me seeing what damage might have been done in the past week and a half.

Wednesday, April 1, 2009

Words to Live By

Last night's Biggest Loser was not a particularly eventful episode. Nicole came back and won the right to return to the ranch based on the % of weight loss she achieved at home. She lost 87 pounds at home in 12 weeks which is an average of 7.25 pounds per week. That just sounds miraculous to me. I have read where prior contestants enlist sketchy tactics before the finale like only eating asparagus or other natural diretics or spending hours in a sauna, etc... to lose all that water weight. Nicole must have done some of these things as at weigh in she was up 5 pounds and lost her immunity and went to the elimnation room. She smoked her competition to return to the ranch and probably didn't even need to go to those extremes (if she did) but in the end she was voted off and sent home for the second time.

When Nicole left the elimination room, she gave the customary parting words to the camera. Her thoughts really hit home with me. I felt so connected to her through those words. I think she spoke for any of us who are trying to lose weight and what it is really about. I do not have TiVo and searched this morning for the exact words on NBC and You Tube but the episode is not up yet. So here is my recollection of what she said...

It is not about winning the weigh in or getting eliminated. It is not about winning the competition. It's about how I feel about myself, what I know I am capable of doing, and the woman I have become. And I really love her.

Sometimes we get so caught up in the results, the scale, the number, the goal, the tangible - the things we can tell others. That we miss what we are really doing. We are transforming our complete selves. Not just our pant size or weight. But changing who we are and how we choose on a daily basis to interract with food. It is so hard to tell people what I am trying to achieve. I really struggle here. People ask me, "so are you trying to lose weight."

Well, yes I am. But that is not all. I am also trying to learn to love the person I am and when I am binging, I do not really love that person. I am trying to identify the areas of frustration in my life that lead me to overeat. I am working on becoming more fullfilled in my work, my parenting and my hobbies so the Little Debbies are not quite as tempting. I am trying to change the patterns of behavior I have had since I was 14. In short... it is so much more than just trying to lose weight.

When we focus on just losing the weight, we fail to address the reasons we gained the weight in the first place. So if I could successfully diet without addressing all of the factors that led me to gain the weight in the first place, where would I be at maintenace time? Struggling to keep the weight off. The best comparison I can come up with is whenever it is time to paint a room, i just want to slop the new paint color up and have it looking nice. My husband wants to wash all the walls and use spackle on all the holes and caulk the molding, etc... But that takes time. I cannot get to the results as quick if I have to spend a day or two on prep. My wise husband will say... the time spent will be worth it. The results will be so much better.

Like my weight loss efforts... the time spent in going slow and working on more than just calorie counting will be worth it. My results will be so much better. (And lasting I might add)