Cyclical emotions with perspective

24 hours after my last post, I really have a different perspective. I have been considering my prior attempts at changing my nutritional habits and how I really am different this time. This doesn't mean I will not have cyclical emotions but how I am going to interact with them, will be different.

I first gained weight - around 40 lbs - as a 14 year old girl whose parents went through a divorce. My first diet was at 15. Today I am 38. For the majority of my life, I have fluctuated between 170 and 180 pounds. Post - pregnancy I was 205 but managed to lose into the 170 - 180 range 2 years after my 2nd child was born but for the past 6 years, I have gone up and down in this range without successfully ever achieving the 150's which I consider a rough goal weight for myself.

In this 20+ years of dieting, my usual pattern is. Start something (name any plan from Weight Watchers to Atkins to any diet book out there) last a couple weeks half-heartedly where I do what is expected of me 80% of any day but can't quite count all my points or completely cut out carbs or eat a head of lettuce or ______________ (fill in blank with whatever said diet requires) then I quit and eat everything I want then I feel remorse then I say well that diet wasn't right there is a new book or a new infomercial or a new magazine article that says I should do this and so I try the new plan only to repeat the entire process.

As soon as I start to feel let down by my results or my efforts I quit and move on because it couldn't possibly be me it has to be the program that I picked.

January 2nd I knew that if I started a program of any sort that I was doomed to failure as that is what will not work for me. I have to find my own path to success and it cannot be defined in any one set program. I have looked at many sources over the past 3 months to get ideas on how to be healthy - Prevention magazine, Jillian Michael's website, many of the wonderful blogs here, books about healthy habits not diets, etc... I am not doing what I did before.

So when I have these changes in perception of myself brought on by hormones or just bad days (bad body days like bad hair days) I can react differently. I don't have to dive into a bag of chips or a gallon of ice cream only to the next day or week start a new program. My program is my life. Every day making choices that are bringing me closer to optimal health. And yes, one day that may mean me having a sugar craving and ALLOWING myself a cookie or a piece of candy but nothing is forbidden for me anymore.

I know I am rambling here but even though I am still sort of feeling "bluesey" about my body, I still sense at the root of my spirit optimism that I can handle it. I am not still dieting. One book I go to for inspiration is Joanna Lund's book "String of Pearls". In one of her mini lessons on how she recaptured her health she says:

"For years, many of us found ourselves on the dieting treadmill, never actually reaching our destination or goal but covering those same old miles (pounds) again and again. The scenery never changed, the path never varied and the results, eventually were always the same. We were still just dieting. One of the main reasons I've been able to jump off that treadmill is that I was ready to do something different, because I wanted a different result. This time, I wasn't out there searching for the next quick fix or the magic diet, the one that told me if only I ate special combinations of foods at particular times of day, I'd lose the weight and keep it off forever. This time, I decided I wasn't buying into that philosophy anymore."

And that sums up how I feel. I am in charge of my health now not some plan. And I can handle these emotions in a new way. Will keep you posted.