Reasons

I woke up this morning with a binge hangover from last night. Yes after my post yesterday where I discussed how I lack the capacity to motivate myself and allow myself all to easily and all to frequently to lapse in my eating habits, at 9:30 with merely 1/2 hour to go on Lost where I would be heading to bed, I proceeded to have a glass of wine while eating direct from the Goldfish cracker box - for 1/2 hour straight. Self defeating obviously.

So this morning I woke up mad at myself and frustrated but also a little curious as to why I continue to repeat these behaviors and sabotage my own success. I decided to think about why I am trying to not only lose weight but also change how I interact with food on a daily basis. I started a list of reasons why I get up every day and go through this process. Why - do I even know? Is it because I am societally unacceptable as a size 12 - 14? Shouldn't I be a 6 or 8? Isn't that how it should be. Is that why I do this? Or do I have a more compelling reason. Or maybe I really don't' know why - what is my reason - maybe I really don't' know and that is why I flounder and retreat in the wrong direction over and over again.

I must have a purpose!

So here is my list:

1. My cholesterol can be high and I want to maintain it without prescription drugs below 200.

2. I want to be physically and mentally healthy and my overeating seriously interferes with my mental health.

3. I want to feel positive and upbeat about my future.

4. I want to know the clothes in my closet will fit and I won't be faced with having nothing to wear.

5. I want to be comfortable in my own skin and when I am, when I feel this way, it is when I am taking care of my health and eating well. And I have felt this way and not been at goal weight. THAT TELLS ME IT IS NOT JUST ABOUT WEIGHT BUT ABOUT ACTIONS.

6. Waking up each day with hope not with regret over the previous day's binge and the hopelessness that comes with the day after a binge.

7. I want the years to stop passing where I have uncontrollable eating and look back at the passing of time and find myself shocked at the years that have gone by. Did I think at 20 that I would be 30 and still facing being overweight or now approaching 40 and realizing that 20 and 30 passed. Do I want to be 50?


How do I sum this all up? I don't know. There are compelling reasons there to resolve this and not all of them have to do with body size. I realize alot of it has to do with general good feelings of well being and peace that accompany having your act together. When something is out of balance, it throws your soul/spirit out of balance whatever your addiction is. I want to be in balance.

Carol recommended the Beck Diet Solution which I may read when I return from my vacation.

I realize this is part of my process. Where I lack in will power I have got staying power - I will continue on this process and do the work it takes to get healthier. I just want my time to be more productive.