Monday, March 30, 2009

Self Doubt

I had an experience Saturday that was upsetting that made so much more sense to me Sunday after reading another chapter in my emotional eating book.

Saturday was an annual girls day out event I have with some girlfriends where we shop for last minute items for our Spring Break trip. My list this year was very small for myself. I either wanted a new pair of sunglasses or a casual sun dress to wear out to dinner in Florida. I really struck out on both. Our last stop was Target and they had some casual sun dresses that were definitely above the knee. I realize that this is not a great length on me but was sorting through the rack just sort of browsing. My friend said - aren't those too short for you. I immediately said - yes I am just looking.

Now I know mini skirts aren't flattering on me or most women really but it wasn't that short. Would have been a couple inches above the knee but not at the crotch short so I didn't think this option was completely crazy for me to look at. But my friend casually said this - not maliciously - and isn't that what a good friend is for, to be honest when you need them to be. So, I walked away thinking "I guess she thinks I am too fat for shorter skirts" and was a little depressed internally the rest of the trip.

Some points to make.

1st - Notice how I took that comment and internalized it. It must be true! I see other women heavier, same size or smaller than me and I very rarely find myself saying - why is she wearing that. Now I have said that seeing very obese woman wearing a midriff top or daisy duke shorts but for the most part. I tend to think, "She has body confidence" because isn't that what it takes to carry off clothes - confidence.

2nd - Notice how I misinterpreted what she said and thought the most absolutely catastrophic thought - it must mean I am horribly fat and was immediately depressed where all day I had been upbeat and optimistic about the progress I had made. Found this type of thinking in my reading last night - A situation happens, you feel overwhelmed and powerless, you misinterpret the comment or situation and turn it into a catastrophe, you overeat. Being in public with a group of women, there was no overeating involved but I definitely overreacted to the comment.

3rd - This really filled me with self doubt. The title to Chapter 3 was "Your Self Doubt Layer". The first example the author gives is of his patient shopping at a store with their much smaller friend who pointed out to the overweight friend that she might consider Lane Bryant for her clothes. (OK a bit worse but along the same lines) Immediately she started a self critical judgment of herself - that feeling of judgment led the lady to overeat at the food mall and then to be angry at herself for overeating. The focus went from the feeling of being judged by her friend to the anger at herself for overeating. she displaced her feelings.

Displacement of emotions with overeating is not a new concept with me but one I fully understand. I do this. I am angry at boss, child, husband, friend, etc... I cannot handle those feelings they are too much. I find myself eating. I am angry at self for binging. I am used to dealing with the binging and the hatred that comes from that but to dive into my job or situations with loved ones that are difficult or troubling... too hard... so overeat and displace the emotions.

The author dives into self doubts at this part of the book and I read just a bit before realizing that there is so much work for me to do here. We all are afraid of not being accepted by others. I plan to spend some time in this chapter for a few days I would really like to find new ways to deal with self doubt.

2 comments:

  1. I would have probably felt the same way. I think your friend could have been more tactful. The only thought I had was that maybe she thought you were too modest for an above-the-knee skirt?

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  2. If you usually do not wear something that length, maybe she was saying it was too short for your usual style and wasn't actually making a comment about your body at all. Unless you get more information from her, it's hard to say for certain. Anyway, it was a great opportunity to learn about yourself and how you react. Besides, look at your graph. You are making steady progress in a downward direction so take a minute and recognize your achievements!!!

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